Let’s Talk About Sex…

My first kiss took place with my back against a urinal in a men’s restroom in a bowling alley. Romantic, right?
I was fifteen, he played bass in a band and had a girlfriend. He told me that he could make me see God. So, I completed my life’s one and only act of public indecency leaving pink streaks of lipstick across his face and a misguided notion of what sex meant. Because, it had gotten me what I wanted. I want to be seen (and for a few moments…he saw me.)
In the thirteen years since that night, my understanding of sex and myself has changed a lot, but it has yet to become something that I completely understand. In fact, I don’t know anyone that completely understands the physical, mental and emotional ramifications of sex. It’s powerful. But, we live in a society that uses it as recreation and treats it like it’s something that needs to be achieved, like graduating from high school or getting a driver’s license. It’s supposed to be done because everyone else is doing it.
When people learn that I am Christian and that I intended to stay a virgin until I’m married, they start to ask really invasive questions. “Really!? Like, you’ve never done anything!?” (Sadly, I can’t actually answer that question with a “no.” because, pressure is a very real thing. Even when you love the Lord.) My doctors ask for my sexual history and when I say “I’ve never” sometimes they say things like “You don’t have to lie to me, Laura. It’s okay. This is a safe place.”
Well, friends, this blog is my safest place. Though I know that many of you read this, I also know that I wouldn’t have the guts to actually speak about this, because, well, I’m awkward and silly and I’d blush through the entirety of it.
<p>I could go into scripture about protecting your body from impurity and maybe even some Levitical Law, but, I’ll spare you. Instead I will say this. I wish so much that the fifteen year old girl in that bathroom understood how stunning she was. I wish the twenty year old girl that went too far in that guy’s apartment after a Monopoly game knew that too. I wish most days that the twenty-eight year old woman I see in the mirror understood that she doesn’t have to package herself to please anyone but herself and God.
All of these things lead back to sex. Because, we want to be wanted. Because, sexual feelings are healthy. Because, sex and love get tangled together and we wanted both. It’s human nature.
My prayer today and every day is that I understand my worth enough to know that the man God build for me (if he exists) is a lucky guy. Because, I made a decision for him. I will need to ask his forgiveness for decisions I’ve made. But, I’ve also always kept my heart for him.
(Fun side bar, this past June, I ran into the first boy that ever kissed me. He told me that he was thankful that that night ended with me pushing him away because, I’ve become a really strong “badass woman” and he’s developed a thing for those. I declined and invitation to dinner. We hugged. It was cool.)

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